Wednesday, October 15, 2025

Glitter on My Wrist, Silence on My Tongue

I was on my way back from a brief escape to Jogja. Skin a little sunburnt, thoughts loosened just enough to forget how heavy regular days tend to sit on the chest. There is something about being away that makes everything feel suspended. Like life paused just slightly, giving enough space for the mind to breathe. On the ride back, when reality slowly started creeping in again, I needed something to hold that moment in place. So I pressed play on Ariana’s Yes And? remix with Mariah. Chaos never arrives quietly, it always asks for a soundtrack.

Then it came. Mariah’s voice. Soft, but with a firmness that didn’t ask for permission.

“Now, I'm so done with sharing this hypocrisy with you.”

It wasn’t loud. It didn’t demand attention. It just landed. Like glitter drifting through water, settling exactly where it wants to stay. It reminded me of a different kind of clarity — the kind that doesn’t flare up, but instead crystallizes.

Imagine a town. Small. Curated. The kind that looks polished on the surface, like a backdrop built more for image than for life. People walk like they’re being observed. Words are selected for effect, not sincerity. There is a figure in that town, known in passing as The Polished One. They talk like every sentence is an audition. Glossy manners, immaculate poise, the type of tone people applaud without really listening. You watch them. Others nod. You remain still.

But of course, this is just fiction. A setting. A metaphor. Definitely not about real habits people develop when they treat social interaction like a stage. Entirely unrelated. There was a moment when I questioned myself. Maybe I was reading too much into it. Maybe politeness really was just politeness. Then Ariana’s voice cut in, clean and unfaltering, like a blade drawing a straight line.

“Say that shit with your chest and be your own best friend.”

It didn’t feel like rebellion. It felt like correction. I started noticing how often I softened my own reactions to make other people more comfortable. How I wrapped discomfort in polite language so no one would accuse me of being too much. Like Hilary Duff in that rain scene in Come Clean, face calm, expression steady, saying everything without raising her voice.

So I tried the Grey Rock Method. Quick background: the term came from a 2012 blog post teaching people how to manage those who feed on emotional reaction. Written in plain language, but the logic was simple; some people are drawn to whatever shines. Anything bright, joyful, or sincere becomes something they want to possess or break, not always to keep it, but to witness the moment you lose it. They envy sparkle. They study it. They wait for an opening. So the advice was direct. Dull yourself in their presence. Do not give them the show. Beauty? Mute it. Reputation? Expect it to be questioned. Assets? Remove them from view. Their joy is not in gaining what you have. Their joy is in watching your expression when it’s gone. The only counter move is not to react. You take away the performance value.

So that was the move. Become visually, emotionally, energetically unremarkable. Like a grey stone by the roadside. Not broken. Just unreadable.

And in that steadiness, something shifted. I started thinking about All Saints in that mid-2000s video — detached, composed, unbothered. Not unfeeling. Just unwilling to provide spectacle. Paris Hilton stepping out of a car, oversized sunglasses on, face unreadable. People call it cold when they are no longer granted access to your expressions. Maybe it isn’t cold. Maybe it’s just peace dressed in something quiet.

Then Mariah returned, voice smooth but merciless.

“Baby, you have been rejected. Go back, no more pretending, bye.”

It did not hurt. It clarified. A refusal to keep giving emotional access to someone who believes your reaction is part of their entertainment. Stillness, I realized, can be louder than accusation. Silence can be a boundary. People assume that not responding means surrender. Sometimes it simply means you have stepped outside their narrative entirely.

Let The Polished One keep performing. A spotlight means nothing if the person you wanted to dazzle is no longer watching.

And yes, to be clear, this is fiction. A town made of metaphor and stage lights. A quiet commentary disguised as imagery. Like those in-world novels written by M in Genshin Impact, truth folded into story so it slides down easier.

Here is where I stand. Sun-warmed. Calm. Wrist still catching light like a reminder. Tongue held not out of fear, but because not everything deserves response. And when the track fades, Ariana leaves one final instruction. Do not get it twisted. I am not putting the glitter away. I am simply choosing who gets to see it. Some people only get the bare minimum shimmer.

I know pressure exists. I know stress bends people. But carrying a heavy load is not a free pass to turn others into emotional landing pads. You do not get to throw your chaos at anyone simply because they are near. Being under pressure does not make cruelty an accident. It makes it a choice.

"Your energy is yours and mine is mine."

Friday, October 10, 2025

The Calm Harm of Secret Animosity

These past few years, I collected friends like people collect random mugs they swear they need. At first, I thought every single one of them was pure and gentle like delicate vinyls you handle with both hands, the kind you clean carefully and store like a treasure because you believe they carry real warmth and soul. Spoiler alert: I was wrong. So wrong I could hear the fail womp-wompppp sound effect from Capcut playing in the background.

Don't get me wrong. I did meet a bunch of wholesome, kind, genuinely funny souls who made my life softer. But along the way, I also discovered a new creature that I once thought only existed in TikTok thinkpiece videos. Its name, as the internet would proudly label it, is secret animosity. I didn't just encounter this recently. I have known this feeling since high school when one of my so-called best friends looked visibly delighted when I failed to get into a reputable school. I didn't have the vocabulary for it back then cause I was just a teenager deep in an emo phase, I just knew something felt wrong. But now that I am older, have scrolled the internet for far too long, and since I want to stay relatable, let's go ahead and officially call it secret animosity.

What is secret animosity? Imagine you have a friend, colleague, or that one cousin who has never clapped for you, not even once. When you win something, they go oddly quiet like their Wi-Fi suddenly lost connection. Their compliments sound like, “Wow, you? Really? Good for you, I guess”. They’ll interrogate you about your life like an undercover agent but when it comes to their business, suddenly they turn into a locked diary with the key thrown into the Mariana Trench. They’ll even keep befriending a person that clearly has wronged you before like nothing ever happened, as if emotional sabotage is just casual friendship behavior. That constant feeling that they’re competing with you while you’re just trying to live your life in peace. That, my dear friends, is secret animosity. The same vibe as one sneaky cabe hiding behind that delicious gorengan, ready to burn your tongue with zero warning.

I met a couple of these people, and now I can say I know better. But it still stings. Because I have always been the type who loves seeing my friends win. I want them to laugh loudly, to live soft lives, to collect achievements like cute trinkets they show off with pride. I get happy when they are happy. Meanwhile, on their side, it felt like they were pocketing silent jealousy like candy wrappers no one asked for. Which is confusing because I am literally just another person trying to keep my life together with good day tiramisu and prayers. What is there to be jealous of?

I know and I’m fully aware that I can’t control anyone’s feelings. The only thing I have full custody over is myself and the way I react. I’m also aware that the fault might be on me as well, and I take full accountability, but at least let me know if I did something hurtful because doing me the wrong way as some kind of revenge arc is just not it. Still, I can’t help but spiral into the question of what I did so terribly wrong for you to treat me like that. I would never pull the same stunts on you, yet here you are, performing emotional contortion acts I never signed up to watch. In my head, I romanticize it by imagining I’m in some kind of mid 2000s celebrity feud just to soothe myself. Like I’m Britney and you are...Well, pick any antagonist of choice. But unfortunately this isn’t a tabloid fantasy. This is real life and it stings harder than any paparazzi flash.

While sorting through these feelings like old mixtapes, I remembered something golden from one of the icons who genuinely shed light into my chaotic little life: Paris Hilton. She has a song called "Jealousy" and it sums up every single thing I have been trying to understand. "Nobody wins when you're full of envy" felt like a slap, but in the way that wakes you up. Then she goes, "But you were only happy when the world was opening up my scars" and honestly, that is lyrical therapy. A visionary line because it is painfully accurate.

So how do I deal with those secret animosities? At first I tried to take the so called high road, pretending everything was fine and maintaining the relationship like nothing ever happened. But the more I carried it, the more it started to hurt in places I didn’t even know existed. I know I should’ve done this in a healthier way, but instead of sitting them down and asking what I did wrong, I just activated full grey rock mode. I stopped telling them my stories and I stopped asking about theirs and honestly, this method worked frighteningly well. It worked so well that I’m now casually applying the grey rock method to most of my friendships. It shifted me into a whole new personality. A new era. My silent era. (And yet here I am, typing it all out like a dramatic diarist).

This whole secret animosity I encountered as an adult now really impaired my vision of friendships with the new people I meet in my adult life. It got me all suspicious like, is this compliment from them coming from a sincere place or are they just saying it for show? Are they being kind or are they just collecting information for their own personal agenda? It made me overthink the simplest gestures like I’m a low-budget bored Nancy Drew pacing around with too many thoughts in my head. But through it all, I’ll still try my best to see the good in people, even if it means squinting really hard. Honestly though, I don’t want to squint that hard now since I don’t wanna get crow’s feet all over my eyes.

I know I could’ve pulled a Charli and Lorde’s “Girl, so confusing” moment, full dramatic arc, subtle shade, emotional choreography and all, but honestly I don’t have the energy to pull it off. I just let them be. If they’re doing great, good, I’ll be happy for them in my quiet little corner. But no, I won’t be working it out on the remix. I’m aware this whole thing might read a little shady and slightly unhinged, and that’s because it is. Writing about it is my outlet. I don’t want to randomly explode on a Tuesday just because I kept everything bottled up in the name of being “chill”. 

My advice for anyone dealing with secret animosity: if you still care about that relationship, then talk about it honestly. Do it in the middle of the day, maybe over lunch, with sunlight hitting the table so both of you can have a clear talk in clear daylight. Don’t be like me...Or do, if your energy bar for tolerance has already hit zero. Whatever path you choose, please be kind to yourself and stop blaming yourself for other people’s hidden bitterness. And if it gets too heavy, just blast Paris Hilton’s “Jealousy” and let her heiress wisdom carry you through.

Thursday, October 9, 2025

From Silence to Story — Rediscovering and Reopening Myself

Hello

It’s been over 11 years since the last time I was here. A lot has changed, but somehow, a lot has stayed the same.

The last time I showed up in this little corner of the internet, I was probably half-asleep, running on instant coffee that barely qualified as coffee, and racing against a midnight deadline for some college assignment that felt like the end of the world. Way before that, this blog was where teenage me dramatically poured my heart out, because obviously no one understood my pain and the world needed to know how deep I was. (Yikes.)

And now, a zillion years later, here I am again. Same blog. Different person. Slightly better grammar, and a whole lot more life lessons.

It’s strange how time moves. One moment you’re an overthinking teenager with too many feelings and a Blogspot layout that took days to customize, and the next, you’re an adult with a LinkedIn profile, a full-time job, and somehow still too many feelings. The only difference is, back then I wrote about heartbreaks and exams; now I write because my therapist told me I should. (Hi, if you’re reading this, I’m doing my homework.)

But honestly, it’s more than that. Somewhere between “growing up” and “trying to function like an adult,” I realized I’ve been carrying around this invisible backpack full of thoughts. Heavy ones. The kind that don’t really go away no matter how many series you binge or self-development talks you attend. Writing used to be my way of unpacking all that, even when I didn’t realize it. Maybe that’s what I’ve been missing all this time, the quiet honesty that comes when it’s just me, my keyboard, and a brain that refuses to stay quiet.

I used to think I hated writing, though. It always felt like I was exposing myself, like every sentence peeled off another layer of privacy I wasn’t ready to lose. Sometimes it felt as if I was exploiting my own thoughts, and with every word, I was slowly erasing a piece of myself.

But now, I’m changing the story. I write because I want to give my feelings the respect they deserve. To preserve them instead of forgetting them. To acknowledge and validate them instead of sweeping them away. Writing, for me, isn’t self-exposure anymore, it’s self-honoring.

This time, I’m not here to overshare teenage heartbreaks or submit college assignments (okay, maybe a few mini existential crises here and there). I’m here to write like I used to, freely, sincerely, and without worrying about who’s reading. I want to write about the messy, funny, sometimes heavy, mostly honest things that make being human both confusing and beautiful.

Ten years ago, I wrote to figure out who I was. Now, I write to remember who I’ve always been. So here’s to returning, to words, to honesty, to vulnerability, to that little spark that made me fall in love with writing in the first place. No deadlines this time. No grades. No drama (hopefully). Just me, typing my way back home.

I’m writing this as I’m listening to Selena Gomez’s Back to You. But instead of thinking about another person, I think about myself. The unfinished business I have with myself. The way I break my own heart through my own expectations. The way I build walls out of my own thoughts and then struggle to escape them. But at the end of it all, I’d go back to you (to me).

And if you’re somehow still here after all these years, welcome back. Let’s see what happens next. And thank you, for your time, and for being here to read this.

Maybe this time around, I won’t treat writing as a performance, but as a practice, a small ritual to keep myself grounded. I don’t know exactly what this space will turn into, maybe quiet reflections, maybe bursts of joy, maybe a safe place for thoughts that don’t quite fit anywhere else. But that’s the beauty of coming back after all these years, I don’t need to have it all figured out. 

I just need to show up. One post at a time. One thought at a time. One honest moment at a time. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

SHORT AWKWARD RANT

HELLO!

It is me again (OBVIOUSLY, DUH) and eventhough I know not many people will read my blog post but I still believe there is certain people out there in interwebs universe that do. I am a very optimistic person sometimes. I have to say I was going to post something about my another something but since I am a busy human being, I forgot that something that I was going to post, so, I post this rant instead.

The idea of posting this rant began when a couple days ago when I was waiting for my friend's class, I browse thru the innernayet to watch Miranda Sings on youtube. There I was, standing in front of a public PC watching Miranda Sings (If you don't know her, you should get your internet life reevaluated). Then people I don't even know passed by one by one behind me and they were looking at my computer screen. I didn't really realize those people were exactly looking at my computer screen until I had an eye contact to some random person via computer screen when the screen went off paused. Really rude but I wasn't really disturbed by it so I kept watching the vid. Or should I say vids. BUT THEN there was actually someone who kept walking back to back behind me and the public PC I'm using like he's ironing something, to see what I'm watching. Like, really?

 

I DO NOT like it when I'm doing my thing, then someone stares at me like I'm a piece of a hot pizza or like I'm Benedict Cumberbatch. No. I DO NOT like to be stared at. Especially when I am currently doing something. Just no.


Wednesday, February 26, 2014

CATFISHED



So I was running up late a couple days ago to finish some of my tasks on my laptop, I got musics accompanying my work, I also got some feeds from my instagram and twitter to be read when my eyes got fed up from looking at my computer screen. So there I was. In my room. Typing a bunch of words I don’t even follow and don’t even get. 

*type*
*type*

*type*

And suddenly

Weird noises started to crack. First it was like a far-away scratch coming from somewhere in my house. I ignored it. Later, the noise’s getting more louder and noisier, I thought it was a rough tune from my audio so I stopped it but the noise kept coming. I am NOT a scaredy cat so I took a look outside my room.
Nothing happened. The noise gone. I got myself back in front of my computer. Later, I was listening to Watching You by Natalia Kills, a (something EVEN louder) noise came through my earlobes. I was really distracted by it, and because I am not a guppy Flounder, I unlocked my front door and starting to look around outside. It was a cold midnight. Not even a glimpse of fly I see. I came back to finish my work.

*type*
*type*
*type*
*type*

AND

An even LOUUUUDER noise came. This time it’s a meow-y sound. I’m getting upset because I can’t be focused so I went out my room once again and searched for the noise but I found nothing. Nothing but a chocolate leftover (which I instantly ate that time because I’m a normal human being). But when I reached the kitchen, that noise CRACKED. It cracked into a loud purr combinded with a loud scratch. Silly thing was, I can’t find the main place where the sound sounded. I kept on searching until but I can’t find anything. Later...Something meow-ed when I closed the kitchen door. I thought I slammed a cat’s neck within the door so I opened it back & found nothing. Then I looked upside, something moving but I can’t barely see it so I turned my phone’s flash on and. There. Was. Something. Above. The. Door.

THERE WAS A HUGE BLACK CAT SITTING THERE WITH IT’S LIGHTY VISION JUDGING ME



I was shocked I shouted (and nobody’s noticed poor me). IT WAS A BLACK CAT. I thought it was an alien specimen BUT THEN I moved my flash it hissed. It hissed like he’s seeing a ghost (well it should be me the one who hissed that time). The cat was rude and inappropriate and I can’t get rid of it either way because the cat is sitting at the ceiling above my kitchen (you can see the visible inner roofs). 

I thought I was going to experience a scary thing but it turned out to be a cat. Meh

MAYBE I SHOULD THANKED THE CAT BECAUSE NOW I HAVE A NEW POST BECAUSE OF IT

Thursday, February 6, 2014

2014!

HYE EVERYONE!

First things first, happy new year! I know it's been 2 months late (DUH) but better late than never, so, happy new year. I don't have any new years resolutions like any other people. Not that I'm not an unorganized person, but because I just don't know what things I should put into my resolutions department. Maybe I should put more blog posts into it so ya more posts will pop this 2014...I hope. Anyways, 2013 had been a tough year for me because I lost my beloved grams and I lost (I should say we /gleeks/) lost our quarterback, Cory Monteith. Took me around 3 months to fully regained from the sadness situation I struggled everyday. 
I also improved my Spanish skills in 2013 which is awesome because now I can watch telenovela more easily, eventhough I haven't learn it perfectly, estoy feliz y contento. I also memorized a couple new Spanish songs, such as The Way by Ariana Grande and A Year Without Rain by Selena Gomez. Hmm what else happened in 2013...Oh ya fetch has not become a trend for almost 9 years, I feel bad for Gretchen. I hope fetch will become a trend this year. Also, Miley Cyrus twerked and became a worldwide sensation by sticking her tongue a lot and by putting her hair like Cynthia from Rugrats on her daily basis.
Okay so thanks for reading my first entry in 2014 ever. I'll post more entries soon. Bye-bye!

Saturday, October 26, 2013

ANALISIS PENGARUH KEDALAMAN, SUHU, DAN SALINITAS TERHADAP KECEPATAN SUARA DI SAMUDERA HINDIA



Samudera Hindia yang saya ambil datanya merupakan samudera yang berada di daerah antara Australia Selatan dan Australia Barat, terletak pada 30.0000° S dan 135.0000° E. Samudera Hindia memiliki suhu rata-rata sekitar 14 hingga 17oC, arus pada letak samudera yang saya ambil pun rata-rata tidak terlalu kencang karena terhalang oleh benua Australia dan karena adanya rangkaian karang. Pada dasar samudera yang berbatasan dengan benua Asia terdapat pusat tubrukan antara lempeng Asia dan lempeng dasar samudera sehingga menjadi daerah labil atau pusat gempa bagi negara-negara Asia seperti Indonesia, India, Afghanistan dan Iran. Samudera Hindia jarang menimbulkan badai besar seperti Samudera Pasifik, sehingga pelayaran melalui Samudera Hindia relatif aman.

Profil Grafik Musim Peralihan 2

Profil Grafik Musim Timur

Profil Grafik Musim Peralihan 1

Profil Grafik Musim Barat




Profil grafik dari keempat musim yang telah dicantumkan diatas menunjukkan bahwa profil suhu atau temperatur tidak menampakan suatu perubahan besar terhadap kedalaman. Penurunan temperatur rata-rata terjadi secara konstan pada lapisan deep layer yang dikarenakan kurangnya intensitas cahaya matahari dan adanya arus dan tekanan yang tinggi pada lapisan tersebut. Lapisan deep layer adalah lapisan yang berada di kedalaman 1500 m ke bawah di dasar laut.
Gelombang suara dapat didefinisikan sebagai suatu gelombang yang bergerak pada suatu media yang pada umumnya bergerak dengan kecepatan 760 mil per jam. Perlu diketahui bahwa cepat rambat suatu gelombang suara akan bergerak jauh lebih cepat pada media air, dalam hal ini air laut, cepat rambatnya bisa sampai empat kali lebih cepat daripada di udara. Dapat dilihat pada keempat grafik kecepatan suara pada setiap musim diatas bahwa kecepatan suara semakin berkurang seiring dalamnya suatu perairan laut. Hal ini berkaitan dengan penurunan suhu yang juga semakin menurun di setiap grafik di setiap musimnya. Kecepatan suara bergantung pada densitas suatu media, apabila media tersebut memiliki suhu rendah, maka densitas atau kerapatan partikelnyapun rendah, yang mengindikasikan kurang tingginya cepat rambat gelombang suara. Hal lain yang mempengaruhi cepat rambat gelombang suara pada perairan adalah modulus bulk, dimana semakin besar nilai modulus bulk pada zat cair maka cepat rambat bunyi pada zat cair tersebut akan semakin besar. Modulus bulk pada perairan laut sendiri akan memiliki nominal yang lebih besar pada perairan berpartikel lebih beragam, dalam hal ini memiliki salinitas yang tinggi, karena semakin tinggi salinitasnya, semakin tinggi kerapatan partikel suatu perairan tersebut, ditambah dengan tingginya temperatur maka dapat disimpulkan adanya  keterkaitan antara suhu dan salinitas permukaan dan kedalaman laut pada kecepatan gelombang suara.
Salinitas setiap musim terlihat bahwa tingkat salinitas lebih besar di permukaan perairan daripada di kedalaman, dikarenakan pada daerah perairan ini terjadi evaporasi yang tinggi. Dapat dilihat juga bahwa pada musim barat salinitas permukaan lebih rendah daripada musim lainnya, karena pada musim barat terjadi hujan yang mengakibatkan sedikitnya evaporasi dan naiknya massa air permukaan karena hujan. Salinitas tertinggi terjadi pada musim peralihan 1, hal ini disebabkan penurunan curah hujan yang terjadi antara bulan Februari dan bulan Maret. Hal yang sama juga berlaku pada grafik suhu yang lebih rendah pada musim barat dan tinggi pada musim peralihan 1 yang disebabkan oleh faktor penurunan curah hujan dan peningkatan intensitas cahaya matahari. Dari grafik diatas dapat dilihat pula penurunan selalu terjadi pada kisaran kedalaman 200m hingga 400m, baik penurunan kecepatan gelombang suara, salinitas, atau temperatur.

DAFTAR PUSTAKA

http://oseanografi.blogspot.com/2005/07/salinitas-air-laut.html
http://www.scribd.com/doc/54314353/Salinitas
Nontji, A. (2007). Laut Nusantara. Jakarta: Djambatan.
Surya, Yohanes. (2003). Fisika itu Asyik 2. Jakarta: PT SDM.
Wigen, Kären. (2007). Seascapes: Maritime Histories, Littoral Cultures, and Transoceanic Exchanges. University of  Hawaii


THX!