The Calm Harm of Secret Animosity

These past few years, I collected friends like people collect random mugs they swear they need. At first, I thought every single one of them was pure and gentle like delicate vinyls you handle with both hands, the kind you clean carefully and store like a treasure because you believe they carry real warmth and soul. Spoiler alert: I was wrong. So wrong I could hear the fail womp-wompppp sound effect from Capcut playing in the background.

Don't get me wrong. I did meet a bunch of wholesome, kind, genuinely funny souls who made my life softer. But along the way, I also discovered a new creature that I once thought only existed in TikTok thinkpiece videos. Its name, as the internet would proudly label it, is secret animosity. I didn't just encounter this recently. I have known this feeling since high school when one of my so-called best friends looked visibly delighted when I failed to get into a reputable school. I didn't have the vocabulary for it back then cause I was just a teenager deep in an emo phase, I just knew something felt wrong. But now that I am older, have scrolled the internet for far too long, and since I want to stay relatable, let's go ahead and officially call it secret animosity.

What is secret animosity? Imagine you have a friend, colleague, or that one cousin who has never clapped for you, not even once. When you win something, they go oddly quiet like their Wi-Fi suddenly lost connection. Their compliments sound like, “Wow, you? Really? Good for you, I guess”. They’ll interrogate you about your life like an undercover agent but when it comes to their business, suddenly they turn into a locked diary with the key thrown into the Mariana Trench. They’ll even keep befriending a person that clearly has wronged you before like nothing ever happened, as if emotional sabotage is just casual friendship behavior. That constant feeling that they’re competing with you while you’re just trying to live your life in peace. That, my dear friends, is secret animosity. The same vibe as one sneaky cabe hiding behind that delicious gorengan, ready to burn your tongue with zero warning.

I met a couple of these people, and now I can say I know better. But it still stings. Because I have always been the type who loves seeing my friends win. I want them to laugh loudly, to live soft lives, to collect achievements like cute trinkets they show off with pride. I get happy when they are happy. Meanwhile, on their side, it felt like they were pocketing silent jealousy like candy wrappers no one asked for. Which is confusing because I am literally just another person trying to keep my life together with good day tiramisu and prayers. What is there to be jealous of?

I know and I’m fully aware that I can’t control anyone’s feelings. The only thing I have full custody over is myself and the way I react. I’m also aware that the fault might be on me as well, and I take full accountability, but at least let me know if I did something hurtful because doing me the wrong way as some kind of revenge arc is just not it. Still, I can’t help but spiral into the question of what I did so terribly wrong for you to treat me like that. I would never pull the same stunts on you, yet here you are, performing emotional contortion acts I never signed up to watch. In my head, I romanticize it by imagining I’m in some kind of mid 2000s celebrity feud just to soothe myself. Like I’m Britney and you are...Well, pick any antagonist of choice. But unfortunately this isn’t a tabloid fantasy. This is real life and it stings harder than any paparazzi flash.

While sorting through these feelings like old mixtapes, I remembered something golden from one of the icons who genuinely shed light into my chaotic little life: Paris Hilton. She has a song called "Jealousy" and it sums up every single thing I have been trying to understand. "Nobody wins when you're full of envy" felt like a slap, but in the way that wakes you up. Then she goes, "But you were only happy when the world was opening up my scars" and honestly, that is lyrical therapy. A visionary line because it is painfully accurate.

So how do I deal with those secret animosities? At first I tried to take the so called high road, pretending everything was fine and maintaining the relationship like nothing ever happened. But the more I carried it, the more it started to hurt in places I didn’t even know existed. I know I should’ve done this in a healthier way, but instead of sitting them down and asking what I did wrong, I just activated full grey rock mode. I stopped telling them my stories and I stopped asking about theirs and honestly, this method worked frighteningly well. It worked so well that I’m now casually applying the grey rock method to most of my friendships. It shifted me into a whole new personality. A new era. My silent era. (And yet here I am, typing it all out like a dramatic diarist).

This whole secret animosity I encountered as an adult now really impaired my vision of friendships with the new people I meet in my adult life. It got me all suspicious like, is this compliment from them coming from a sincere place or are they just saying it for show? Are they being kind or are they just collecting information for their own personal agenda? It made me overthink the simplest gestures like I’m a low-budget bored Nancy Drew pacing around with too many thoughts in my head. But through it all, I’ll still try my best to see the good in people, even if it means squinting really hard. Honestly though, I don’t want to squint that hard now since I don’t wanna get crow’s feet all over my eyes.

I know I could’ve pulled a Charli and Lorde’s “Girl, so confusing” moment, full dramatic arc, subtle shade, emotional choreography and all, but honestly I don’t have the energy to pull it off. I just let them be. If they’re doing great, good, I’ll be happy for them in my quiet little corner. But no, I won’t be working it out on the remix. I’m aware this whole thing might read a little shady and slightly unhinged, and that’s because it is. Writing about it is my outlet. I don’t want to randomly explode on a Tuesday just because I kept everything bottled up in the name of being “chill”. 

My advice for anyone dealing with secret animosity: if you still care about that relationship, then talk about it honestly. Do it in the middle of the day, maybe over lunch, with sunlight hitting the table so both of you can have a clear talk in clear daylight. Don’t be like me...Or do, if your energy bar for tolerance has already hit zero. Whatever path you choose, please be kind to yourself and stop blaming yourself for other people’s hidden bitterness. And if it gets too heavy, just blast Paris Hilton’s “Jealousy” and let her heiress wisdom carry you through.

Kalung

G.O.S.H! udah sejuta taun ga ngeblog! haha. Sekarang saya mau nyeritain tentang cerita yang begitu amat sangat sedih menyayat hati merobek jiwa dan memporak porandakan batin yaitu kejadian kalung PUTUS. Jadi ceritanyaaa beberapa waktu yang lalu pas minggu pertama bulan Ramadhan saya membawa kalung saya yang sangat bagus dan susah nyarinya ke sekolah. Lalalalalalalalalalaaa serasa dunia milik saya dan kalung, tetapi kesenagan dan kegembiraan hancur pupus dan sirna ketika seseorang yang tidak mempunyai norma, etika, dan akal sehat menarik narik kalung saya yang amat sangat saya cintai dan banggakan. Tarikannya sangat kencang layaknya tarikan seorang jambret yang hendak menjambret emas berlian diamond dari genggaman seseorang. Tiba tiba sajaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa kejadian yang buruk dan tidak saya harapkan terjadi................KALUNG SAYA PUTUS PORAK PORANDA. Saat itu saya sedang berpuasa tetapi tetapi tetaaaaaaapi saya tidak bisa membendung rasa marah bercampur sebel dan di mix oleh rasa jengkel dan akhirnyaaaaaaaaaaaaa saya membentak si penghancur dari dunia kegelapan gelap gulita itu. Sampai sekarang saya masih sebal sama orang itu (meskipun kalungnya udah dibenerin). Sampai sekarang kalau saya melihat raut wajah orang itu saya masih ngerasa gimanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa gitu heu. Dasar jahaaaaaaatttttt

P.S: Kalungnya sekarang sudah benar lagi lho

Bunyi Bunyian Mengganggu Ibadah

Beberapa hari yang lalu ketika saya hendak solat maghrib berjama'ah di mesjid deket rumah, saya merasa sangat dingin sampai sampai saya sakit perut. pas masuk ke dalam mesjid, sakit perutnya sudah hilang (HORE). tau tau pas lagi enak enak nunggu imamnya solat, datanglah segerombolan anak anak kecil yang begitu banyak bagaikan pasukan liliput yang akan berperang melawan kejahatan dan kebatilan di dunia. anak anak ini range umurnya 5-10 taun dan yang paling parah hampir semuanya berisik tidak karuan ditambah suara mereka yang tajam setajam pinsil yang baru diserut sangat menusuk gendang telinga kanan dan kiri serta memecah para warga yang sedang beribadah di mesjid. akhirnya (thank god) lima menit kemudian imam maju ke depan untuk memulai solat berjamaah. sayangnya para anak kecil recok gempita ria yang telah disebutkan di atas solat di samping saya (SIGHHHHHHHH). untungnya setelah 2 raka'at mereka sangat khusyuk dan sangat mendalami solat mereka sehingga mereka tidak berisik seperti saat mereka masuk ke mesjid. tapi saat raka'at ke tiga pas lagi ruku....tiba tiba ada suara "tut". beberapa saat kemudian saya baru menyadari bahwa anak kecil yang solat disebelah saya ke-n-tu-t a.k.a fart. hm awalnya saya positive thinking dan berpikir bahwa suara "tut" itu tidak keluar dari badan anak kecil tersebut. beberapa menit kemudian solat maghrib berjama'ah pun berakhir. saat saya berdoa, tiba2 gerombolan anak anak ricuh ramai heboh membabi buta itu langsung berbondong bondong melaju cepat ke arah pintu keluar mesjid. akhirnya semua anak anak berisik itu keluar juga....eitss ternyata ada satu anak yang tertinggal. ternyata anak yang tertinggal itu adalah anak yang solat di sebelah saya dan yang mungkin mengeluarkan bunyi "tut" yang sangat aneh dan rancu. ternyata anak itu sengaja ditinggalin kelompoknya (ya ampuuun kasian). begitu anak itu mau meraih gagang pintu dan hendak membuka pintu, anak2 lain yang tadi solat bareng dia langsung menahan pintu dari luar dan berteriak dengan suara yang keras memekakan telinga dan mengganggu ibadah. mereka berteriak, "aaaa! yang KENTUT mah ga boleh keluaaaar! hahahahahahahaha". mesjid langsung hening dan anak tadi langsung menangis sekuat tenaga. ya ampun ternyata bukan saya saja yang mendengar anak itu kentut! haha